The holidays are right around the corner! Most all holiday traditions and celebrations involve food and connection with others.  Such a joyous season for most people— “Eat, Drink, Be Merry!” Right?! Eh, well, this may not be the case for individuals struggling with an eating disorder.

Throughout my adolescent years and early twenties, I was either in the trenches of battling an eating disorder or starting the deep healing work required for recovery. Needless to say the holidays were a sensitive and overwhelming time for a solid decade of my life. During those years, facing the holidays would be something I would sadly dread.

I wanted so badly to be present with my family while they gathered around the fire playing board games or watching Christmas movies together. Unfortunately, eating disorders take you away from the present moment only to be trapped inside your head. Thinking BACK on what you have eaten, thinking AHEAD of what you are allowed to eat for the rest of the day or preoccupied with how your body looks. Anywhere but there, connecting with your loved ones. Most of my memories I recall during those years were always being too irritable to be still enough to sit down to engage with my family. So, I would retreat upstairs into my room. My parents or sister would often come knock on my bedroom door asking why I wouldn’t hang out with the family and “what was wrong?” I wish I knew how to explain to them how painful it was. I wish I could have asked for what I needed, but honestly, I didn’t know at the time. I’m pretty sure my family had no idea what to say or do either.

Fast forward to now. Recovery has given me the gift of giving me my holidays back! The gift of being present, the gift of connection with others, the gift of celebrating new and old holiday traditions through food (and not with food). These gifts during the holiday season are ones I will hold close and never take for granted. Recovery has also given me passion, not only to help children, adolescents, and adults struggling with eating disorders navigate holidays, but also passion to educate parents, friends, partners, or siblings navigate the holiday season while they support their loved ones.

I always find myself having immense compassion and empathy for my clients loved ones, as “they don’t know what they don’t know”. I wish my family had the resources that are out there now to be educated on how to support me when I was struggling.  I now see how much in “the dark they were” and this is not their fault.

All this being said, I wanted to provide a few tips for parents, partners, siblings, or friends who are supporting someone they love with an eating disorder during this holiday season:

• Plan Ahead with your Loved One:
  • Communication is key! Prior to the holidays, sit down with your loved one to discuss a game plan. Ask your loved one what would be helpful or unhelpful in terms of support throughout the day or around meal support (before, during, and after the meal).
  • Help your loved one identify a safe and trusted person to hold your loved one accountable, whether that is you, a sibling, friend, parent, partner, etc. If your loved one starts to become overwhelmed, this trusted person can help initiate boundaries and establish coping skills for moments of anxiety. Tip: this trusted person can identify a “code word” (for example: “pineapple”) to use when feeling overwhelmed and can signal it is time to step away from the table or conversation.  
• Language is Important:
  • Be mindful of making comments on your loved one’s appearance/weight. Do not make comments about your appearance/weight or anyone’s appearance/weight. (this is actually never okay).
  • Refrain from diet talk! Comments such as “I’ve been saving up for this meal”; “I need to go walk off these calories” or “I’m going to be bad today by having this pie” are all forms of diet culture mentality and incredibly triggering to someone struggling with an eating disorder. Also, vulnerable kiddos around you are listening to you and learning from you.
  • Your loved one has a right to walk away from these conversations. If they feel comfortable, encourage them to use their voice to explain that these comments are not helpful and help redirect the conversation.
• Encourage your loved one to plan to eat breakfast/lunch/snacks in preparation for Thanksgiving dinner.
  • Diet culture can be quick to normalize “saving up or restricting” all day in order to eat a big feast. If your loved one has a dietitian, make sure they discuss their food plan with them.
• Encourage your loved one to make time for self-care
  • It’s perfectly okay for your loved one to retreat from the group and carve out alone time for a bit. Help your loved one create a list of things they can do—whether it’s getting outside, finding a quiet place to read a book, journal, listen to a podcast, etc

If you are a caregiver seeking additional education and support this holiday season, check out this RD + Therapist Led Circles of Support Group held virtually on December 5th from 1:00-2:30pm Eastern Time. We will be continuing to provide education and support on Navigating the Holidays while supporting someone you love with an eating disorder. Link to register below: https://lutzandalexander.com/groups/circles-of-support-community-and-education-for-those-who-love-someone-with-an-eating-disorder/